|
I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses
so they can't hypnotize you.
|
|
"There are only 10 types of people in this world- those who can read binary and those who cannot"
|
I was driving down the highway, and I'm swerving all over,
coz I'm trying to change the radio. And just as I get the
old one taken out I hear this traffic cop behind me,
'Whee-oo, whee-oo, whee-oo'. Well, I shouldn't make fun of
his speech impediment.
He asks me to walk in a straight line, so I do. Then he asks
me 'You call that a straight line?'
Well, I should have said, I SHOULD have said "Yes." But I
was nervous and the only thing I could think of was: "Well
Officer Pythagoras, the closest you'll ever come to a
straight line is if they do an electroencephalagram of your
own brain-wave
|
|
YES this is my truck, NO I won't help you move!.
|
|
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than going to a garage makes you a car. - Laurence J. Peter
|
People I know:
Robert Nelson: well how many data warehouses are actually located in warehouses is my question
"[gasp][gasp][gasp] You guys! [gasp] I [gasp] am having trouble breathing underwater!" - Kelly Coyne, while swimming in a pool with the boys
"Oh my gosh, did they just turn off the lights?" - Kelly Coyne as she blinked
"Dan, if you kill us in a car crash, I'm gonna kill you!" - Kelly Coyne
"If you were a hotdog, would you eat yourself" - Dan LaGuardia
|
|
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
- George Carlin
|
|
"You are not who you think you are. You are not who others think you are. You are who you think others think you are."
|
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,
the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance,
Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the 3 most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'"
- Chris Rock
|
|
Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone
looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup
truck, and we all buy station wagons.
- Tim Allen
|
|
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
|
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
|
|
Accept that somedays you're the pigeon, and
somedays you're the statue.
|
|
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars
in the sky and thought to
myself - "Where the hell is the ceiling???"
|
|
Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz,
like, you're crunchy and
taste good with ketchup.
|
Animals have the darndest thoughts.
Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."
Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they
don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh
boy! Fish flakes!"
Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already
KNOW whose it is!"
Goldfish: "The wimp-ass knight never comes out of the castle
to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must
continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"
Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns
ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!"
Dog: "Human legs that just tease."
Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"
Dog: "What the... HEY!!! Where are my balls?!?"
Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"
|
|
Don't drink water. Fish breed in it.
|
|
If you believe everything you read, you better not read.
|
|
Whenever I go to a bar, I always go right up to the most
beautiful woman in the room and say, 'You've got something
hanging out of your nose.' Hey, since I've got no shot at
her, I might as well humble her a little for the next guy.
|
|
Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else
|
|
If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
|
Actual newspaper ads
Illiterate? Write for free help
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it for you
Three year old teacher needed for preschool
-Experience preferred.
|
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world is Chinese. And
there are 5 people in my family, so it must be, that one of
us is Chinese.
It's either my mom or my dad, my older brother Colin, me or
my youngest brother Ho-Cha-Chu. I think it's Colin.
|
|
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
|
|
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
|
|
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
|
|
Most snails can't ride motorbikes
[this week's moment of Zen]
|
|
"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am
right." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
|
|
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag
would be to pretend you were swimming.
|
|
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house
and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A
jack-o'-lantern with a knife in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually feel a lot
better, and no harm done.
|
|
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch
you because, hey, free dummy.
|
|
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to
the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
|
|
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
|
|
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
|
|
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy,
wouldn't you? You'd be wrong though. It's Hambone.
|
|
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common
screws, can make a child look like a deer.
|
|
I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
|
|
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I
was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
|
|
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I
have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd
probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone
would get a good laugh.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening, when he'd come
back with some whore he picked up in town.
|
|
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I
drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think
that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was
getting pretty late.
|
|
If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done,
because you'd really be surprised.
|
|
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're
drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
|
|
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy
looks out it , and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait.
I guess that's like a regular window.
|
|
Follow closely, this gets a little complicated. Katherine is
an Irish expatriate who used to be a man named Damien. She(?)
is married to a man in Norfolk, VA named Pat who used to be
a woman named Patricia. According to federal prosecutors,
Katherine is in the country illegally and changed her gender
to marry Pat who changed his gender to hide from his former
spouse, John Martin, whom he had never divorced. Since Pat
is still legally married to another man, his marriage to
Katherine is not binding, and now both of them are under
indictment for defrauding the Immigration and Naturalization
Service. If they're really unlucky the Feds might throw in
polygamy as well.
|
|
Those damned Canadians, trying to take over the world with
their Mounties, beer, and mind control rays.
|
Kids say the darndest things...
"I believe you should live each day as if it is your last,
which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on,
who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?"
--Age 15
"It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
birthday, like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we
would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on
July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends." -Age 8
"I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of
Halloween." -Age 13
"For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green
cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a
big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave
it out." -Age 6
"When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he
better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell." -Age 5
"If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and
visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and
quiet it would be until the looting started." -Age 15
|
|
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
- Tiger Woods
|
|
What would you do with a million dollars??
"I would buy all the hampsters I could, get 'em hiped up on goof balls, and paracute them into an XFL game."
|
Random information
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq.
foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them
with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is
not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman
underwear and a superman cape.
4. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's
already too late.
5. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
6. Certain LEGOS will pass through the digestive tract of a
four year old.
7. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.
8. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
9. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earth worms dizzy.
10. It will however make cats dizzy.
11. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
|
|
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice.
|
|
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach
|
|
"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach
|
|
"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago"
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice-President
|
|
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!"
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President on the concept of a manned mission to Mars
|
|
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
- Dan Quayle, former U.S. Vice President
|
|
"Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something."
- Dennis Rodman, NBA Basketball player, on Chicago Bull's team chemistry being overrated
|
|
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
- George Gobel
|
The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:
1. When you're ready for them.
2. When you're not ready for them.
|
|
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
|
|
The Briggs-Chase Law of Program Development: To
determine how long it will take to write and
debug a program, take your best estimate,
multiply that by two, add one, and convert to the
next higher units.
|
|
If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
|
|
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
|
|
If you try to fail and suceed, what did you just do?
|
|
If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?
|
|
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
|
|
If you take an oriental person and spin him around a few times, does he become disoriented?
|
|
Pound for pound, the ameoba is the most vicious animal on earth
|
|
Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
|
|
Some people want to achieve immortality through their work. I'd rather achieve it by not dying. - Woody Allen
|
|
The trouble with computer is that they do what you tell them, not what you want. - D. Cohen
|
|
Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.
- John Wooden
|
|
To succeed...You need to find something to hold on to, something to motivate you, something to inspire you.
- Tony Dorsett
|
|
Nobody climbs mountains for scientific reasons. Science is used to raise money for the expeditions, but you really climb for the hell of it.
- Sir Edmund Hillary
|
|
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear-not absence of fear.
- Mark Twain
|
When you're playing against a stacked deck, compete even harder. Show the world how much you'll fight for the winner's circle. If you do, someday the cellophane will crackle off a fresh pack, one that belongs to you, and the cards will be stacked in your favor.
- Pat Riley
|
|
A ship in the harbor is safe. But that's not what ships are built for.
|
|
If you don't do what's best for your body, you're the one who comes up on the short end.
- Julius Erving
|
|
If you chase two rabbits, both will escape.
|
|
When elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers.
- Kikuyu proverb
|
|
Concentration is the ability to think about absolutely nothing when it is absolutely necessary.
- Ray Knight
|
|
"Please provide the date of your death."
- from an IRS letter
|
|
"On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten."
|
|
"A closed mouth gathers no foot."
|
|
"Don't judge a book by its movie."
|
|
"Everyone loves a moose. Some just don't know it."
|
|
"The problem with reality is the lack of background music."
|
|
A generation which ignores history has no past.
|
|
Always remember to Pillage BEFORE you Burn.
|
|
"In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back."
- Charlie Brown
|
|
"Your friend is the man who knows all about you and and still likes you"
- Elbert Hubbard
|
|
"Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over."
- Octavia Butler
|
|
"If you don't have time to do it right you must have time to do it over."
|
|
If you're not lighting any candles, don't complain about the dark.
|
|
"The most courageous decision you make each day is the decision to be in a good mood."
- Voltaire
|
|
"So live that you wouldn't be embarrassed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip"
- Will Rogers
|
|
"What we see depends mainly on what we look for."
- John Lubbock
|
|
"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure...than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows no victory nor defeat."
- Theodore Roosevelt
|
|
"A short saying often contains much wisdom."
- Sophocles
|
|
"Bite off more that you can chew and then chew like hell."
- Peter Brock
|
|
"The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shinning."
- JFK
|
|
"If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster."
- Clint Eastwood
|
|
"If there is no wind, row."
- Latin Proverb
|
|
"The whole secret of life is to be interested in one thing profoundly and in a thousand things well."
- Horace Walpole
|
|
"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. "
- Martin Luther King Jr.
|
|
"Everything has been figured out, except how to live. "
- Jean-Paul Sartre
|
|
"Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis. "
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
|
|
"I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it. "
- Steven Wright
|
|
"I think it would be a good idea. "
- Mahatma Gandhi, when asked what he thought of Western civilization
|
|
"The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins. "
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
|
|
"I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need. "
- Francois-Auguste Rodin, when asked how he managed to make his remarkable statues
|
|
"All the best stories in the world are but one story in reality - the story of escape. It is the only thing which interests us all and at all times, how to escape."
- A.C. Benson
|
|
"Never to lie is to have no lock on your door, you are never wholly alone."
- Elizabeth Bowen
|
|
"All the Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas Layin' in the sun, Talkin' bout the things They woulda-coulda-shoulda done... But those Woulda-Coulda-Shouldas All ran away and hid From one little did."
- Shel Silverstein
|
|
"Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light."
- Albert Schweitzer
|
|
"A smile is a window on your face to show your heart is at home."
|
|
"Computers have enabled people to make more mistakes faster than almost any invention in history, with the possible exception of tequila and hand guns."
- Carl Gundlach
|
|
"My spelling is Wobbly. It's good spelling, but it Wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places."
- Winnie the Pooh
|
|
"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he doesn't become a monster."
- Frederick Nietzsche
|
|
"Yes, we have slain a large dragon. But we live now in a jungle filled with a bewildering variety of poisonous snakes. And in many ways, the dragon was easier to keep track of."
- James Woolsey, Director of the CIA
|
|
"The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese."
- G.K. Chesterton
|
|
"Skippin' through the lily fields I came across an empty space. It trembled and exploded and left a bus stop in its place. The bus came by and I got on that's when it all began. There was cowboy Neal at the wheel of a bus to never-ever land."
- Jerry Garcia
|
|
"No man is a failure who enjoys life."
- William Feather
|
|
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
|
|
"Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what
you have, which once you've got it you might be smart enough to see is what
you would have wanted had you known."
-Garrison Keillor
|
|
"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."
Thomas Alva Edison
|
|
The road to success runs uphill, so don't expect to break any speed records.
|
|
How many people do you know who became successful at something they hate?
|
|
It is not possible to ski thru a revolving door.
|
|
The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.
|
|
WARNING! The dates in Calender are closer than they appear.
|
|
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result.
|
|
"It's hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head."
- Sally Kempton
|
|
"Let me think... I wonder if an anvil will drop like an apple?"
- Said to be the last words of Sir Isaac Newton
|
|
After all is said and done, a hell lot of a lot more is said than done.
|
|
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
Ogden's Law
|
1.Don't wear ear muffs in a land of rattlesnakes
2.The man who invented the eraser had the human
race pretty well sized up.
- Van Roy's Laws
|
|
"In thinking that 'Man needs to get back to Nature' you are assuming that Man and Nature are seperate entites, and that is counter-productive to your goal."
- Joshua W. H. Steiner
|
|
Reading brings knowledge, and knowledge is power. But power corrupts, and corruption is a crime; and we all know that crime doesn't pay. The moral of the story is this: If you read, you'll go broke.
|
|
"The duty of every man, of every race is to contend for its individuality-to keep and develop it...Therefore, honour and love your Race...If you are not yourself, if you surrender your personality, you have nothing left to give to the world."
- James Beale (Aka Africanus Horton) May 19, 1893
|
|
To believe with certainty
you must begin by doubting
-polish proverb
|
The good part about being goofy, shy, awkward and withdrawn is that you can
make people underestimate you. Like Clark Kent. Conversely, when people
think you're Superman, all you can do is ultimately disappoint them.
- R.B. Fairchild
|
|
...since we can't know what knowledge will be most needed in the future, it is senseless to try to teach it in advance. Instead, we should try to turn out people who love learning so much and learn so well that they will be able to learn whatever needs to be learned.
- John Holt
|
|
Action may not bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action.
- Benjamin Disraeli
|
|
It doesn't matter which side of the fence you get off on sometimes. What matters most is getting off. You cannot make progress without making decisions.
- Jim Rohn
|
|
Problems do not go away. They must be worked through or else they remain, forever a barrier to the growth and development of the spirit.
- M. Scott Peck, M.D.
|