I've heard the story, just let me see some stats
I'm the father of three, and the bastard child of Dave Letterman. I hate my father, so don't ask me about getting on The Late Show, I won't even listen to it.
Actually, I have a real father, Dale. I also have a mom, Julie. They drive me nuts, but aren't so bad all the time. I have a sister named Kelly who's like 21 or so. I have a dog, named Midnight. Midnight is the supreme ruler of all ants, but anything larger than a harmless bug sends my "guard dog" running for her life. You know what? Let me start from the beginning.
Life as we know it today (at least as I know it) began on May 1st in the One Thousand Nine Hundred Eightieth Year of our Lord. I believe I was born into royalty. I continued to be a "royal" pain in the keyster for most of my formative years. From birth until I was about four I hung out with my girlfriend of the same age as I, Kasha. In those years my father Dale probably partied too hard, too often. Meanwhile, mother stayed at home playing cruel jokes on her son by spending all of her time finding the most hideous outfits for him to wear. Somewhere along the line I had a bratty little sister come into the picture. My favorite pasttime was to jump up and down on her stomach while she layed on the floor. While I was spazzing around the house (but NOT jumping on her for the moment) she slowly propped herself up on something and reached far back for the strength of a thousand generations. Then she released her fist of steel just as I walked into the fierce blow. Yes, at the tender age of 3 I was knocked unconscious by my little sister. Needless to say, I continued jumping on her.
In 1985 I was sent to kindergarten. It was fun except the time my teacher wouldn't let me go to the bathroom. I first asked at 8:45 AM. At 11:15 I was
still not allowed to go. So, as any little man with a tiny bladder would do, I peed my pants at school. I was such a teacher's pet every year that when a teacher told me I had to stay after school because I was naughty I cried. Alright, now that I sound like a total pansy, I'll move on to talking about those who were most likely forced to spend time with me. Dan Stack was a friend ever since he and I were around 3 years old (although I hated - and attempted to
kill - his younger sister). I was also friends with Jessica and Jared Van Bellegham (my first crush and her little brother). Matthew and Evan Jurecky were some cool cats. A few years later I became friends with Davey and Lisy Morales (portable rican twins). These were all of my friends since I was way too shy and
introverted to make any more.
A baseball card collection of 28,000 cards, random outdoor sports, and my evil and possessed Atari 7200 were my main time consumers over the years. Now, the problem with growing up on W. 126 Street in Cleveland, Ohio was that it was becoming more and more ghetto every year. Without realizing it I was becoming a thug. I had to find ways to buy the baggiest pants and largest T-shirts. When I finally realized that music existed (sometime in 6th grade), I naturally turned to R & B and rap. I was still a teacher's pet and all around nice boy, but I just happened to have some urban influence on my speech and apparel. I was fairly athletic and I was really quick for short distances. The main three sports I was part of were football, baseball, and the marine physical fitness team (push-ups, sit-ups, pull-ups, long jump, 500m run). I actually placed 9th in the state at the State Marine Fitness competition. Academically, I began to excel at school and graduated from St. Marks Elementary School as the valedictorian.
I could've gone to St. Ignatius High School, but for whatever reason I opted for St. Edward High School in Lakewood, Ohio. It was an all guys catholic private school...so as far as those things go, it sucked a lot. My thug development was continuing, and I had crazy amounts of oversized Tommy Hilfiger clothes. I only listened to rap as of 9th grade. Remember I was a thug life negro, so I had a strong ability in ebonics, although I'm very out of practice, yo. I heard of a group called Pearl Jam that kind of got me into listening to 100.7 WMMS The Buzzard every so often. Next I got into "Closer" by NIN and "Come Out and Play" by the Offspring. Later on in my ninth grade year the infinite wisdom of my mother forced me to begin attending North Coast Church. It was full of a bunch of hippy freaks. I was forced to go to a youth retreat with these tree-huggers later on. I didn't know anybody there, but it was a pretty good time I suppose. Wouldn't you know it, I started enjoying church and going to the youth group "Lifeline." Who knows what happened around my junior year of high school, but I metamorphosized into a whole new thing.
Just about everything changed. Out with the Tommy clothes and in with the skater/preppy hybrid. JNCO jeans, Vans shoes, Abercrombie sweaters, American Eagle khakis, Structure shirts, hemp necklaces. Boom, all in a few months. R & B sucked, only a few rap groups sounded good anymore. I added "sub" to my urban ways. Alternative, Metal, Rapcore, Techno. I jumped on the rap and rock group bandwagon well before it became trendy in 2002. Pearl Jam and Metallica took over Bone and 2Pac's place as my favorite musicians. My likes weren't the only thing to change. I pulled a 180 and went from extreme introvert to extrovert. I couldn't stand sitting around without making somebody laugh and being the center of attention. The years and years of introverted weirdness was pushed out of my new extroverted personality as something fresh and cool. I managed to get an accumulative grade point average of 4.28 and do well in numerous Advanced Placement and honors courses. In my sophomore year in algebra II/Geometry I received the highest score ever for the semester. I managed to get every possible point available in the course. That includes 100% on every single assignment and test, plus every available extra credit. I was all cocky and I felt supremely confident that I'd smoke college just like I did high school.
Let's get some things straight that I discovered after high school. I'm from Cleveland, Ohio, which doesn't suck as bad as most people think. Don't get me wrong, though -- it DOES suck. I'm a westsider, which means that I think the eastside of Cleveland sucks. The roads make no real sense, and the people are pricks. I know this because I decided to go to the east side of Cleveland to Case Western Reserve University for some kind of engineering. Just before college I went to Tijuana, Mexico as a missionary. I was a clown missionary, which means I would help to make people laugh and get interested in our group, then the other missionaries would move in for the kill once I had everybody's attention. College was kind of a shock. You see, in high school I was restricted very heavily by my parents. So, I let loose in college. I also didn't really feel like studying for 8 hours a day anymore. Therefore, my grades went from straight A's to straight C's. I started to date Jen Reali from Beaumont HS (robbing the cradle). When I was 19 after my freshman year of college, I clubbed and partied for the entire summer. It was probably the most fun three months that I've ever had or ever will, but it was the least productive summer ever. I never really had much of a job for most of the summer. The 70 hour weeks I worked at the end of summer never caught me up. CWRU accidently sent me a mystery $2000 during my freshman year of college that I had already spent, and now I had to start paying it back.
After switching from major to major I ended up getting on and off of academic probation and sticking with Computer Engineering. I'm a member of the Beta Theta Pi fraternity (Lambda Kappa-Beta chapter). During my junior year of college I moved to Princeton, NJ for a semester long co-op assignment. I can't say that I liked NJ all that much, but it was pretty neat to do work as important as I did for the chemical R&D company and to live alone away from mom and dad. I moved back to Cleveland for another few semesters at CWRU. During that time I was running low on mp3s that I didn't download already (at the point of this writing I have 50 gigs of mp3s), so I had the time to actually move my GPA up over a three point. During my last semester the motherboard on my pc burnt out, so what do you think happened? I nearly got a 4.0 during my final semester. My only B was my blow off course, of course because I blew it off. So, I finally graduated from college and it was time to move into the real world.
Nowadays I'm looking for a job that'll pay me some real money. I'm working for CMSD a.k.a. Cleveland Municipal School District for small beans. I'm a big computer dork that spends too much time playing around on my computer. I have no idea how I'll be able to pay for a new car, a place to live, get married, buy all of my techno-goodies, and pay off my super gigantic college loans. I'm still the same old Sparky Jason, just slower and fatter. My girlfriend is Kelly, a 23 year old hotty. She's a gorgeous blond that loves to laugh and keeps me regular, just like wheat bran. My best buddies range from married family men to high as a kite druggies to military professionals to fraternity guys to church going do-gooders.
I need to write stuff in here about being married, moving into a few houses, trading jobs around, and all of the other boring stuff I do now.
Now that you're crying because you actually read all of that, I must apologize for my extreme aptitude in loserness. Later.